Having Kids (It’s a Trap!)

May 19, 2015

So, that whole concept you have of being a dad? Yea, throw it out. Crumple it up and chuck it in the trash. It’s a trap. Everything you know about being a dad, before you become one, is a lie. And yes, the title has a Star Wars reference in it. 

Here’s what it really is:

  1. An endless amount of exercise, but you still aren’t losing weight. For the first few months its constant lifting, carseat carrying/babywearing, bending down, laying down on the ground (pretty much push ups), and even leg lifts. Now you can answer “yes” when someone asks you “do you even lift, bro?” This exercise gets more intense as they get older too. You’ll be constantly running and trying to keep up.

  2. Within the first few months, you will likely have come in contact (usually in the grossest possible way) with every possible bodily fluid that your baby can release.

  3. Poop. Lots, and lots of poop. Have you ever seen projectile vomit? What about projectile poop? Baby poop is nasty, and it has the force of a high-powered firefighter hose behind it. Well, not quite that much force, but pretty close. Now close your eyes and get a picture. Yup, that’s exactly what it’s like. I haven't even touched on the poopsplosions that destroy those adorable and ridiculously complicated to put on outfits.

  4. For the working dads, don’t expect to go to work without at least a spot of something (breast milk, poop, vomit, pee, baby food, formula, whatever) on your clothes. Sometimes it’s even where you can’t see it. Don’t worry though, it’s there. You might as well just keep your nice clothes at work and change there from now on.

  5. If you stay at home, those first few weeks of constant naps end. Then it’s constant crying, feeding, and changing. You’ll be happy when mama comes home to take over. If she’s the “works out of town type”, good luck.

  6. Sleep… what’s sleep? Sure parents will brag about how their newborn is “already sleeping through the night at 6 weeks”. Did you know that “sleeping through the night” is considered 5 hours…? Here’s a nice solution for that one. Strap that baby on and bounce on an exercise ball while reading blogs. If you’re already doing that, good work. You’ll start to experience every hour the night possible has. Yes, 3:23AM does exist.

  7. You can’t have any nice small objects. It will be either consumed, flushed, dropped in a vent, or washed down the drain. Keep your valuables on or out of reach at all times. Also, nothing is out of reach.

  8. As mentioned above, nothing is out of reach. Nothing. Consider using a storage closet with a secret map that only you know the directions to. Once they’re old enough to learn that standing on something can help them reach higher things, they start. And they don’t stop there, they will start stacking things up to reach higher and higher. As well, small hands reach in narrower spaces, so even the smallest out of sight hiding spot won’t work.

Even though this sounds like a bunch of really crummy things, don’t forget that in the end, it’ totally worth it. And yes, even though it’s a trap, you won’t regret any of it. Even while you’re in the fetal position crying in a corner because you can’t take it anymore. 


By Martin Palindat

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